Seriously. I don't know what to say anymore.

Apparently our lifestyle of excess has reached its pinnacle.

What do you know about toilet paper? Really, what do you actually know about it? Do you spend a lot of time thinking about your toilet paper or carefully considering your purchasing options when it comes to said toilet paper? Do you have a brand preference? Is there quality control involved in that preference -- do you actually grade your toilet paper based on comfort, softness, PLUSHNESS even? I don't know about you, but if I started putting that kind of thought into what kind of product I use to wipe my nethers, I think I would probably require a reboot of my day-to-day priorities.

Not so for our neighbours to the south. According to the New York Times, major toilet paper companies are stripping bare the forests of our great continent to provide the discerning public with a toilet paper that is, and I quote, "silken, thick, and hot-air-fluffed". There's a huge push in this industry against the use of recycled paper in this product because it's too coarse for the delicate American posterior, so instead companies will clear cut virgin forests in order to keep up their stocks of long, sensuous fibers with which to make bum-cleaner.

I've written before about the benefits of finding other sources of pulp and fiber to supply our material needs (things like hemp in favour of hundred-year-old carbon-eating trees), but this baffles even my ability to engineer a clever response. Toilet paper. Say it to yourself again. Toilet paper. Paper that goes in the toilet after being sullied by the remains of last night's chili burrito. It's literally a product designed to clean poo and then be easily discarded. Why, oh why, oh why, must it meet standards of quality control that might also be applied to thousand-count cotton bedsheets? This is the most absurd extravagance I've ever read about, ever.

Now, I'm not advocating the use of sandpaper or newspaper as an acceptable substitute, but come on! Recycled paper really isn't that bad (it's what I use, so I know) and it's infinitely better for our environment. What would you rather have -- a beautiful forest to walk through that helps clean the air and keep endangered species alive, or a luxurious butt-wiping experience?

Please tell me what you think about this -- I can't be the only one outraged by this whole debate.

The original story can be found here.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh but dear scribe you forgot something. Americans are ENTITLED to the softest ass wipe known to man. Also, don't forget that the way they are constantly stuffing fast food into themselves they need far more than the rest of us. Large giant sheets made from the best wood their rapture hurling lord can produce. As for the rest of us, I suggest an even more green solution. Reusable pine cones.